Destination Unknown

I often like to write about self-development here on this blog and discuss social issues that I think are major problems (such as people failing to take any responsibility for their own actions, for example). I suppose that doing so is one small way in which I attempt to grapple with my own development and problems. Because as much as I can sit here, typing out large posts that foolishly attempt to put the world to rights, I’m still a deeply flawed human being with a stack of my own shit to deal with.

The battle is eternal and it’s certainly true that the greatest opponent a man will ever slug it out with in his lifetime is himself.

So, for this post, I’m going to briefly talk about what I consider to be my greatest personal problem – my ultimate nemesis: direction.

I believe that most of us haven’t got a clue where we’re going in life. Of course, there are exceptions to everything, and I am well aware that there are those who have their shit well and truly together and a cast-iron will to keep forging on towards their goals. These are the individuals that people such as myself look at it in admiration. Not because of their material gain or social status (fuck that) but for their drive and dogged persistance on their quest to get to where they want (or need) to be.

The majority of us live through the same stories however:

  • We knew what we wanted but were denied by circumstance
  • We were forced from our path for financial reasons or inescapable commitments
  • Other people e.g. a new partner changed our life and our priorities
  • We became parents and had to put our dreams on hold
  • We’ve NEVER known what we wanted

I certainly slot into the last scenario. As a child, I never knew what I wanted but that was understandable considering my age. However, I didn’t develop any sort of direction as a teenager or a college student. I took a couple of A-Level courses in college then lost interest mid-way through the second year, probably because I subconsciously realised that I didn’t know WHY I was taking the courses or where I wanted them to get me.

Then I left education and ended up in the retail sector which is where I remain today. In short, I’ve never known what I wanted to do or which direction I should be heading in.

I know I’m not a special case at all. Also, I’m well aware that the majority of us will live average, non-extraordinary lives and that there’s nothing wrong with that.

As long as you are happy of course and feel as if you have a purpose. Can I honestly say that either apply to me? No; I wouldn’t be typing out this blog post otherwise.

Right now, I honestly don’t know where to begin with it all. Asking yourself the big questions and supplying honest answers is one recommended avenue. Here’s one that I concocted which I hoped might trigger some ideas, no matter how faint they might be.

If there were no obstacles – money, self-confidence, personal circumstance etc. – where would you like to be and what would you like to be doing?

My answer?
“I don’t know”

I feel that this has always been my problem. I can’t claim to have a dream that I’ve been denied or a course that I’ve been blown from. I’m just a drifter, living from one day to the next and not in any kind of romantic sense. Obviously, I feel that there are reasons in my past that have compounded this situation and made it worse but I’m not here to tell sob stories or make excuses.

Working on a dream – something to get me motivated and fired up – has become a priority in my mind. By my understanding however, you can’t simply decide on a dream so where one must begin is a bit of a mystery to me.

If anybody has any killer tips or can point me in the direction of some good resources then please, feel free to comment below.

Soil of the Soul

A few weeks ago, I was trawling the internet and reading various blogs and website articles on the subject of personal direction. Something that has been gnawing at me for some time now is my lack of direction in life and every so often, I find myself trying to seek the answers or at least some pointers to how I can get my arse fired up and motivated to do something more fulfilling than the dreadful 9-5 (or – in my case – 7-5) grind as a servant of The System.

It was while seeking enlightenment (spoiler alert: I’m still me, for better or for worse) that I came across an analogy that did at least strike a bit of a chord with me. This analogy compared the human soul to fertile soil and reminded the reader that we could all plant seeds in our soil, nurture said seeds and watch them grow into mighty trees. The main problem for a lot of us is that the soil has been tainted and the seeds left unwatered and unfertilised thanks to invading external forces that have seen fit to turn our plot of soil into a rubbish dump.

I quite liked this analogy and thought about it some more. I saw my own patch of fertile soil enclosed within a field. Seeds labelled “Direction”, “Passion”, “Happiness” and “Purpose” were planted but I didn’t get chance to water or feed them. Y’see, the field has a gate and just as I was skipping toward my patch of sown soil – watering can in my hand – there came a loud crunching noise. It was the sound of a dump truck reversing right through the gate! The bastards! Before I could verbally assault the driver of the truck with a multitude of PG-18-rated words, he tipped the bed and unloaded his cargo of garbage all over my patch. I was too aghast to act but I caught the registration of the truck as it sped away, leaving a cloud of diesel fumes behind. It was a private plate that read “LIFE”.

rubbish-dump-1

We all plant seeds in the soil of our soul. Some seeds take longer than others to germinate, break the surface and bear fruit but we do plant them subconsciously, most often as children when we aren’t even aware that we’re doing it.

Or so I have been reading anyway.

You have to take any advice or points of view that you read on the internet with a pinch of salt of course; especially when it comes to the optimum way to live your life and be happy/successful. Everybody has their own philosopy or tried-and-tested ‘secret’ that worked for them but we are all different and what works for Bob won’t necessarily work for Dave. I personally believe that it is perhaps better to listen to different ideas and solutions then draw your own conclusions based on everything you have read.

However, one recurring self-help tactic that is supposed to help the individual work out what they want to do with their life, is to go back to the past and reconnect with your inner child. You know, that previous version of you that enjoyed doing certain things or making use of talents/skills without realising that they might take you somewhere. Before the fly-tipping began and you turned an unwitting blind eye to the dumping of truckloads of garbage on your precious – now poisoned – patch of soil.

Before the superficiality, materialism and greed of society poisoned our minds.

Before you graduated childhood and were inducted properly into The System, encouraged to accept a status quo and pour all of your energy into unfulfilling jobs in order to service unavoidable debt and keep a roof above your head.

Before you were trapped in that 9-5 cycle with those wonderful dreams shelved as you play the part of just another cog in the machine – a machine that works for the rich and powerful and runs on the blood of the working class.

Shit got a bit dark and gloomy there but it really is how our human society functions. Breaking out of this cage and finding a way to live happily – without being sucked dry by others who don’t have your interests at heart – is the ultimate quest in my mind. It’s not an easy quest by any means and there are a lot of boxes to be checked as you are pushing forwards but is there a more rewarding journey to embark upon?

I’ve been trying to reconnect with my inner child and cast my mind back to past. What I remembered was that I was crazy about drawing, writing and being creative in general. I would spend hours doing this sort of thing, improving my skills and simply enjoying what I was doing without feeling the pressure to turn it into a career or money. Somewhere along the way, I ran out of steam and stopped. Society, people and working a physically-demanding job left me tired and more likely to turn to mindless entertainment in my spare time rather than enjoying the arts and continuing to improve my crafts.

One of the last things I drew was this picture of the character, Blaze Fielding, from the videogame, Streets of Rage 2. That was in 2015 (according to the date on the back). I’m not proclaiming myself to be a good artist or anything like that but comparing this picture to what I was doing a few years prior shows dramatic improvement. It’s also a stark reminder of where I could be at today had I kept at it. As it is, the cubby-hole in my desk is a stack of outdated portfolios and half-finished pictures living in plastic wallets, awaiting completion.

I’m not going to blame society or other people for my lack of work. After all, it was me who allowed this to happen and it was me who chose to numb my tired brain with the likes of videogames and Youtube and lock my creativity away in a cupboard. That said, external influences and the necessities that come with living in the way that society expects you to live have had a part to play. Of course, it is my responsibility to push back and not allow external factors to affect me.

It is my responsibility to fit a stronger lock to the gate that the dump truck forced open before tipping its load all over my patch of soil (no dirty innuendos intended…). Heck, I should be investing in 24/7 security and watchtowers.

But what is done is done and now the clean-up must begin. It’s past time that I hired a skip and put in the work to clear out all of the dumped rubbish that hides that soil and the seeds that are buried deep, awaiting their oppurtunity to sprout.

And with that, I will spare you any more long-winded analogies.